


Never Lost Word

by akatsuki_tsukiyomi (Yumi25Nakashima)



Series: First Blush [16]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Developing Friendships, F/M, First Meetings, Friendship, Hetalia Countries Using Human Names, Kuudere reader, Misunderstood, Platonic Relationships, Reader-Insert, Shyness, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:08:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28543830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yumi25Nakashima/pseuds/akatsuki_tsukiyomi
Summary: "I have just as many things I wanna convey as anyone else, but I can’t seem to change a single one of them into actual words."
Relationships: America (Hetalia)/Reader
Series: First Blush [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2089500
Kudos: 2





	Never Lost Word

**Author's Note:**

> (F/N) - Reader's First Name  
> (L/N) - Reader's Last Name  
> Alfred F. Jones - America's official human name  
> Arthur Kirkland - England's official human name  
> Wang Yao - China's official human name  
> Ivan Braginsky - Russia's official human name  
> Francis Bonnefoy - France's official human name

_The reflection in the mirror says,_ _"good morning, it's another new day"_

(F/n) walked into class, her earbuds securely plugged into her ears, blocking out the chatter of the students as she made her way to her desk. It was not at the very back nor at the very front; her desk was right in the middle of the room beside the window. It was not her choice, as their homeroom teacher had randomly shuffled around the seating arrangement, but she wasn't complaining. The window was a nice touch. Unlike her fellow classmates who used their window-luxury as an opportunity to watch the view outside when the class got boring, (F/n) used the natural light it brought to her advantage. It kept her awake, most especially when the class got boring.

_and as usual, the expression on my face_ _is the worst_

To her right, she noticed two boys nudging each other as the glanced in her direction. This was, sadly, a regular occurrence. It was not like she could blame them. She knew that she seemed unsociable at first glance and it made approaching her a difficult task for most people. Her teachers and most elders knew how to deal with her withdrawn exterior and she was thankful for that because that meant less awkward moments for all parties involved. With her peers, however, it was a completely different story. They would be so hesitant to approach her that sometimes (F/n) simply paid them no mind and that resulted in them leaving, thinking that she didn't want to get involved in whatever they were doing. On other times, they _would_ start speaking to her (after a long internal battle with themselves) only to scurry away minutes later due to her short cynical replies.

_My awkward smile,_ _my bedhead and my every action_

_the more I look, the more I despise them all_

_it's unfair, really_

It was not like (F/n) didn't want friends. That wasn't the case at all. In fact, she was more than delighted to be in the comfortable company of a trusted confidant, even if it was just one person. But she was an easily misunderstood girl; and all of her peers wanted to be understood themselves, so no one had time to spend on her complexity and to figure her out. They had their own little worlds and were too busy being the protagonists of their own stories to be a supporting character in hers.

_There's a number of things I'd like say,_ _as anyone else might_

_but these thoughts never seem to form words_

(F/n) turned to the two boys who were obviously bickering about who should approach her and startled them with her undivided attention. "If you have no business here, take your squabbling somewhere else," she stated in a deadpan tone. Her classmates, embarrassed and flustered, hurriedly slapped a sheet of paper on her desk before they dashed to the opposite side of the room, keeping their distance as one of them said, "Sir (teacher's name) said to meet him in his office at recess."

She swiftly seized the paper that almost flew off her desk and looked at it. It was one of her essays. She turned the paper on its back, searching for the familiar red ink that would indicate her assignment's grade but found it missing. Confused, she wondered why her teacher would've left her score out and why he would want to talk to her outside of the class.

Before she could ponder any further, she heard one of her classmates mumble, "There she goes again, freaking people out."

"I know right? Can't she just talk to them like a normal person," another one chimed in, making the group laugh. (F/n) gripped the paper tighter in her hands unconsciously as she eavesdropped on their conversation. 'How predictable,' she thought bitterly to herself. Of course, she would be reproached. Every single one of her encounters with her batch mates meant an incoming barrage of reprimanding comments from every direction. She could never get used to their criticism; after all, she was only human.

_Keeping my eyes on the ground_ _today too, I struggle as I search for the right words to say_

_"wow, she can't even say hello?"_ _"Poor girl"_

**\---**

(F/n) made her way down the crowded hall, essay in hand, towards her literature teacher's office. She rapped the door and waited for his muffled 'enter' before she stepped inside the room. The lights were turned off, as expected of her teacher's environmental nature and only a desk light was on as the said man was hunched over grading more children's essays.

"Sir (T/n), you called for me?" (F/n) voiced, making his head lift from his paperwork, but his eyes never stopped running over the words of the paper on his desk. "Ah, yes. I wanted a word with you, (L/n)."

_The plants in the garden were so pretty_

He finally decided upon a grade, scribbling it onto the back of the paper and encircling it before setting it aside and placing a hand over the other on the table and looking at her. She passively looked back at him. "You didn't grade my essay," she said. Her teacher nodded and took his reading glasses off, folding it gently and placing it on top of one of the many stacks of papers on his table.

"I was getting to that," he said as he held out a hand. She handed over her assignment to him and waited another while as he scanned it. "Mm, yes. The thing is this is a wonderful essay. It's so wonderful that I need to speak to you about an important matter. As you know, I am the moderator of the English club and the students in my club are handpicked to be there because they show exemplary prowess in respective fields in the school paper."

(F/n) nodded in understanding. She was aware that one couldn't get into that club so easily because Mr. (Teacher's surname) was very picky and meticulous when it came to whoever had access to making and publishing the newspaper.

  
_envious, I simply watched a_ _nd comparing myself, I realised_ _just how hopeless I was_  
  


"Well, recently, I haven't found any article qualified enough to be included in this quarter's edition but your essay certainly made me think otherwise." (F/n) blinked, trying to process what he was trying to say. Mr. (T/L/n) simply laughed off her confused silence and waved his hand in front of his face in a nonchalant manner as he said, "I was just going to ask your permission if we could use your piece and publish it in this quarter's paper. It's alright if you refuse, but if you agree, I'd have to return your essay another day."

_if only I could just disappear like this..._

(F/n) felt a weight slide off her shoulders, making her relax, and a warm feeling spread through her. She was happy. At least someone could appreciate her. She nodded politely to answer her teacher's question and he thanked her before letting her take her leave. As she gently closed the door, her lips twitched in a subtle smile. It felt nice to be complimented, and it felt nice to be noticed. Her efforts hadn't been wasted after all.

_Strangely enough, in this world we live in,_ _even accomplishing the most "mundane" things can be difficult_

Feeling a sense of accomplishment and motivation surge through her, she made her way towards her classroom with surer steps than she had taken when she left.

Just a ways away, a certain group was making their way towards the cafeteria.

"Can't you guys walk any faster, I'm _starving_ here," Alfred whined as he looked back at his friends. Yao crossed his arms stubbornly and pouted. "You just ate before (Teacher (#2)'s surname) _lǎoshī_ dismissed us-aru!" **teacher**

"That doesn't count, man!" Alfred insisted, wrapping his arms around his stomach and faking a gurgling noise. "Oh bloody 'ell, Alfred, won't you shut it? This book's getting good, and I won't let your bottomless-pit-of-a-stomach ruin it!" Arthur scolded, burying his face further into his novel.

Francis left out an obnoxious, " _Ohonhonhon_!" right next to the Brit's ear and flicked his blond hair over his shoulder. " _Oui_ , Alfred, leave him to his reading. At least now, he's finally learning something, _non_?" **Yes, no**

_just thinking about how I was incapable of answering to anything,_ _made me feel so stupid, I could only cry_ **  
**

"What did you say, frog-face?" Arthur roared at Francis, abandoning his book and holding the laughing Frenchman by the collar of his shirt. "I said, at least now you're learning!" Francis hollered back, laughing even harder as he ducked and dodged a punch to the face.

_The same dizzying misunderstandings just kept repeating_ _and I would just come to hate them repeatedly_

The two continued their violent dispute as Alfred trailed behind, trying to convince Yao and Ivan that his hunger was real and not psychosomatic. Several onlookers stepped to the side, making way for the group to pass by but as they neared a particular girl, neither of the two noticed and so a bickering Arthur and Francis collided with an oblivious (F/n) who was staring down at her feet and blocking out the world as she smiled in her thoughts.

  
_a flower bud that began to wither before it could bloom,_ _I thought my future would surely be a wordless one_

Francis immediately reacted, scrambling off the floor and helping the poor girl to her feet. "Ah! _Mademoiselle, je suis désolé_! This is unacceptable, truly unacceptable! _Arthur_ , apologize too!" **Miss, I'm sorry**

_A strange expression on my face that resembled fear_ **  
**

The said man quickly let out a train of apologies in every variant possible in the English language, blushing in embarrassment at having caused distress to a lady. After he was panting and even pinker from the lack of breath, (F/n) looked away, not knowing what to do in the situation. The crowd that had stopped to see what the ruckus was about was slowly dispersing, but without dropping a few words here and there.

_this habit of mine, always running away -_ _gosh I'm hopeless, so hopeless_

"Her highness can't even bother to say anything. That's Arthur Kirkland and Francis Bonnefoy _apologizing_!"

"That's what peasants get from disrupting her majesty's peace." Chuckles and incomprehensible mumbling followed as students went back to their respective worlds.

  
_so embarrassed, I decided to keep my mouth shut_  
  


" _Ohonhonhon_ ," (F/n) looked up when she heard the unusual laugh to see Francis looking at Arthur with condescending eyes. "To think you would be the type to be troubled in the presence of a lady," he mocked, bringing a hand to his face as if to stop himself from snickering. The Englishman who had calmed down burned a furious red again and launched himself at his friend, initiating a brawl.

(F/n) took a step back in surprise, unknowingly dodging a kick to the shin when Francis tried to strike Arthur down with his lengthy limb. Yao immediately came forward, trying to calm them down but ended up narrowly missing a slap to the face as Arthur's arm sprung out of control when Francis tackled him. " _Aiyah_!"

_I really starting to hate it all_

He turned and looked towards his Russian friend. "Ivan, help me get them to stop-aru!" The tall blond merely blinked at Yao's demand and tilted his head to the side with child-like innocence. "Nonsense. Shouldn't we just beat the fight out of them?"

_There are people out there who laugh, and it's like their voice is blooming_

_people who exchange words that resemble beautiful flowers_

With a cutesy smile, Ivan started rolling his sleeves up, making the brunette panic and hold him back from pummeling the still-quarrelling duo.

_suddenly, the reflection in the mirror says in a begrudging voice,_

_"...I'll never be like that"_  
_"I'm sorry"_

(F/n), feeling immensely out of place and clueless as to how to handle the situation, simply stepped back even further and started walking away. The others didn't seem to notice her departure and so she turned and walked away briskly. Alfred, on the other hand, had completely forgotten his hunger and disappointment in his friends as he watched her leave. The look that flashed in her features for a quick second right before she turned away made him pause. Why had her eyes looked so _sad_?

_It was a picture-perfect world out there,_ _envious, I simply watched_ **  
**

**\---**

'Stupid, stupid, stupid. There you go again, not giving a care in the world. No wonder they call you a princess,' (F/n) scolded herself inwardly as she walked home. The encounter with the five boys earlier that day had left her overthinking and forlorn. If only she could've stopped them from arguing, if only she could've talked to them like a normal person when they had apologized; or better yet, if only she could've paid more attention and not have bumped into them in the first place.

She let out an aggravated sigh and adjusted the strap of her bag on her shoulder. Her books were weighing it down and it kept slipping off making her tug it back into place every few seconds. Her pace was faster than normal that she was practically power-walking but she was in no hurry to get home. In fact, she didn't feel like going home. She didn't want to have to face her parents and fake it to them _again_ that school was 'great, and everyone's lovely.'

_what should I do so that..._ _so that I won't ever get in the way?_

She could never understand how or why her parents even buy that lie, but maybe they were also looking for an excuse. They had to believe in _something_ , and the thought of having a daughter that didn't have friends and didn't even seem to want to socialize with other human beings wasn't the best.

(F/n) didn't want to go home because she didn't want to feel like a disappointment for another time that day.

"—ey! Hey, slow down! (F-F/n)!" someone called out from behind her. The said girl immediately stopped to look over her shoulder. A tall bespectacled blond came into view, jogging over to her and crouching when he was close enough, panting and wheezing to catch his breath. (F/n) watched his blond locks tumble over themselves as he bent forward even more, clutching his lung. She wanted to ask him if he was alright, but looking like he'd just run a marathon, she decided against the idea and let him rest and restore his breathing. She was sure he'd prefer that than having to waste it on an obvious question.

_I wish I wasn't like this_ _but I can't stop being like this_

"Can I walk you home?" (F/n) stared at him for a good five minutes. In all that time, Alfred's hopeful smile ceased to falter and he never backed away from her gaze. She had been told many times that her normal look would make people hesitate and possible cower (something she slightly prided herself in) but this boy simply looked right back at her, waiting for an answer.

"I'm afraid I won't be worth your time and company," she replied, as curtly as she possibly could, and turned away to continue walking.

_And as my very own self began to overflow,_ _it was terribly pathetic and unbecoming_

"Can't I decide that for myself?" he asked as he fell in step right beside her, tucking his hands into his pockets and matching her quick steps with long strides.

"I'm sorry, please stop asking," she declared firmly as she started to grow wary and uncomfortable with his presence. What was more troubling than people avoiding her was when people downright acknowledged her and talked to her. Not a lot of people had done that, and it had been a long while since anyone's tried to get a conversation out of (F/n), so she had no clue how to act around Alfred, pushing her nerves to the edge even more.

_so that no one would ever find out,_ _I could only sit in the corner of my room and cry_

She wasn't lying or trying to be rude when she declined his offer though. She knew firsthand that people would grow quite bored when faced with an impassive, unresponsive companion, and she didn't want to waste his time at all. 'If only I had worded that better,' she thought to herself as she recalled her harsh tone towards him with regret.

Alfred, on the other hand, seemed unfazed as he continued walking with her, whistling a soft tune as he went. A weird look went unnoticed by him as (F/n) almost gaped at his strange behaviour. Was he really intent on walking her home?

"I've heard this new shop opened at a street I know. It's this way too," he said as if he had just read her thoughts. (F/n) looked away from him and fixed her gaze at the sidewalk in front of her.

_But out of the blue, a voice reached out to me and said,_

_"It's okay, you're fine just as you are"_

"Is that so," she responded dryly. She almost clicked her tongue in annoyance as she involuntarily retorted his statement. Conversations were never her thing, and it showed plainly every time she opened her mouth to say something. It was almost automatic for her to make a snarky remark that it baffled even herself sometimes.

"Yeah, my friend said they sell these great donuts," Alfred continued, relaxed and unruffled by her snide. He was so unperturbed that he even started talking about how his day went. (F/n) listened through it all, having almost no choice, but she didn't find his company unpleasant any longer. She found it nice to be with him. He didn't mind even if she barely responded to his statements, he didn't mind even if she had nothing to add to his remarks, and he didn't mind even if she just walked with him. He didn't mind.

Relief washed over her like a tsunami, shaking her to the core. She was so happy that she had finally come across someone who didn't mind being in her company, and someone she didn't mind hanging around with.

_as if those resounding words were magic,_

_I found myself speechless_

As Alfred continued his epic storytelling of the events that transpired that morning and afternoon in his point of view, (F/n) found herself growing spiteful and rancorous. How was it so easy for him to let everything out like that? How was it so easy for him to express his thoughts? Wasn't he scared of being judged? Wasn't he scared of being ignored?

The spark of envy soon recoiled when she thought to herself that he was brave to be so open. Instead of feeling angry at him though, the resentment she had been feeling was flung back to her. To her personality. To her attitude. To her cowardice.

_Don't be afraid, put your thoughts into words,_ _all those things you've bottled up -_

She was such a coward to keep everything bottled up inside. She might've thought she was strong, but at the end of the day she was just a little mouse who was so scared to let her emotions out that she kept people away from her. She was the cause of her own demise, and for that she despised herself. If only she could live up to the powerful guise everyone thought of her as.

_say them all, say them all_ _but it came out all wrong, and I could only cry out,_

_"I really am an idiot, aren't I?"_

Before she could let herself be engulfed by her thoughts any further, (F/n) noticed the familiar gate at the end of the block. Once she was in front of it she stopped walking. Alfred, having noticed that no one was at his side, turned around to look at her. "This your stop?"

_What I eventually arrived at was "the future,"_ _yes, a world painted in vibrant colours_

She looked back at him and gave a silent nod, placing a hand on the gate as if trying to tell him that he shouldn't try to start up another conversation because she wanted to go inside. He nodded back, not bothering to turn on his heel and instead started walking back the direction he came. "I'll see you around then."

  
_and as I continue to become an adult,_ _I continue to change_  
  


Surprised, (F/n) followed him with her eyes. "Wait!"

Alfred turned around swiftly, wide-eyed at hearing her voice. "What?"

"Why did you want to walk me home?" she asked bluntly. His excuse at tagging along her was an obvious lie, but rather than questioning him about that, (F/n) wanted to know his reason for wanting to accompany her on her walk. The blond shrugged and casually stated, "You looked like you could use some company."

"I did not," she immediately denied.

_while still holding onto these_ _unchanging, precious feelings of mine_

"And even if you say that," he continued. "I understand you. Look, I may not seem like the most observant person, but I _understand_ you. I know people who are easily misunderstood because of things that are out of their control, like their personalities. I may not be in your shoes, but I can at least understand a bit of what you're struggling with. I just want to help you. I want to help you find your true self, I want to help you get back in control of your life, and I want to be your friend."

_Strangely enough, in this world we live in,_ _even the act of "remembering" can be difficult_

After his heartwarming message, (F/n) stood there, contemplating and thinking over all that he'd just said. He understands her. He wants to help her. He wants to be her friend.

_so that I won't lose sight of these words that are so important to me,_ _I'm off to pass them on_

She met his blue eyes and thanked him, all the while keeping a monotonous face. He blinked at her before he let out a laugh.

"Don't worry, you'll get there someday," he told her cheerfully as he patted her shoulder. They parted ways, Alfred heading back up the street, and (F/n) walking into her house.

As she sat on her bed, a pillow hugged to her chest, she thought about what Alfred had said. She couldn't help but be amazed at how his words lifted her spirits. He was a great speaker, she couldn't deny that.

_It'd be perfect if one day, in this world,_ _I was able to laugh happily with someone else_

She gazed out her window and watched as the sun slowly disappeared into the horizon, bringing the last bits of light from the sky with it.

_and as I'm thinking about things like this,_ _I feel like I might've found a purpose for myself in the future_

Even at the last moment with him that day, she couldn't express herself the way she wanted to. She couldn't thank him with as much gratitude as she wanted to. She was still struggling.

_As I fix my bedhead, I decide to head out_

_today too, as I look straight at the petals_ _of the flower reflected in the mirror_  
_  
_

'But maybe,' she thought to herself. 'Maybe with him — with Alfred, I'll get there... _someday_.'

_"_ _g_ _ood morning again," I respond_ _and begin, make my way_

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally published in Wattpad on Apr 26, 2018.


End file.
